What is intimacy? Unfortunately, most of the time when people are asked this question they immediately think of sex. We think or picture the connecting of two people sexually.
However, we couldn’t be further from the truth. Intimacy is more than just sex. Intimacy Is a bond or the deep interconnectivity between two people that can last for a minute or a lifetime.
If intimacy was only the act of having sex then why is it that many people are having sex without having or experiencing intmacy? Why and how do people in thousands of marriages continue to have sex but lack connectivity? Or, there is the absence of feeling safe about your relationship in respect to cheating.
That’s because it’s sex not intimacy!
Not to mention the deficiency of wanting each other in a way that enhances and heightens the sexual experience? Sex can and has become a means to an end. It doesn’t hold the value and weight that it once had.
Importantly enough we must recognize that there are different types of intimacy. If we can grasp this realization that there are different types and levels of intimacy then maybe, just maybe, we can begin to understand, practice, and have more intimacy in our marriages, that will last!
Intimacy is not just something that happens. That’s lust and physically attraction. Intimacy is something that is produced, required, and gained over time. And the key part about it all is that you can keep producing, keep creating, and keep building upon it as long as you wish.
But it all starts with you. Not your spouse, Y O U. So what can you do to help boost intimacy in your relationship so that it is at a level that satisfies your needs and desires in your marriage, and hopefully your mate’s needs and desires?
Reviving Intimacy in Marriage
First, let’s start with and explore emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is where feelings are shared and produced. It is that closeness we feel with someone else. So much so that we are willing to share our deepest personal feelings, beliefs, and desires.
Emotional intimacy gives us a sense of comfort knowing that the other person cares and understands us like no other. A place where you can let go and be yourself without the fear of being hurt or judged.
Before you can share physical intimacy you must first give-in to the emotional level of intimacy.
Emotional intimacy is about connecting with your partner outside the bedroom, in addition to inside the bedroom. Build a relationship that encourages you to share more. To build a friendship before the relationship (sex). Feel each other out to see if this is truly a person that will take your feelings, emotions, and secrets and keep them safe.
Get to know the person. If you are ready in a marriage or relationship that is showing signs of intimacy dullness, then take steps to start to get to know each other all over again. We all change, get to know the person you are with now.
Spend time talking about things that you like and dislike, things that you enjoy doing and do not enjoy doing. Start with small things and work your way up to larger more private things that you haven’t share lately.
However, remember this is not a blaming session, nor an argument about what your mate does or does not do. This is time spent together getting to know the person all over again.
Overcoming Barriers in Intimacy
Breaking down barriers that you have built in your relationship. And it going to take time. So be patient and celebrate any small progress you make. Any progress is better than shutting each other out or not trying to rekindle the intimacy.
Love is something that can be jump started again and again. Love doesn’t die, it just gets put on the back burner and forgotten because of life, situations, finances, etc. and needs a stirring around every now and again, so turn up the heat.
Emotional Intimacy is a Must
What most of us don’t know or realize is that a healthy relationship must have emotional intimacy. It is essential to our individual wellbeing, as well as, our relationship. A healthy relationship needs the emotional support and closeness of each person which can only transpire through emotional intimacy.
Each person is unique in their own right, so how much emotional intimacy is needed depends solely on the individual, and can also be tied to their up-bring.
Get to know your mate beyond their outer appearances and physical attributes. If you and your mate are not talking, begin to talk on a deeper level. Have conversations revealing yourself to your mate rather than mere talks about day to day going-ons.
Start small to build trust and comfort. But agree to take your talks to a level where you are both sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings.It is important to be able to feel that you can share everything with your mate. And agree that this is a truthful space without judgement or questioning.
It is crucial that your mate knows and accepts your innermost secrets and feelings giving you a safe space with them of openness and transparency. Sharing the secrets that make you vulnerable will reveal true emotional intimacy.
This emotional intimacy resides in the head and heart space. It is those things that can not been seen or touched, the intangible love, connectivity, and understanding that two people share. And should be in no way, one-sided.
Intimacy is important to each individual. Which can only be developed over time. Letting your spouse into your inner circle of secrets will build trust and love.
Sharing these things that you hold sacred shows that you have love for them. Love so strong that you want to share everything with them.
However, a relationship without the right amount of intimacy for both partners can and will deteriorate a relationship in areas of love and sex. If your relationship lacks intimacy, it’s time to start laying the groundwork and creating a firm foundation to grow.
Life has many different stresses for each person and affects each one of us differently. So be patient and take your time building and trusting to experience true emotional intimacy. Don’t slack and be too busy living life that you slip-up and one day wake-up feeling distant and unfamiliar to your significant other.
In love, you must accept each other for who they are and what they bring to the relationship. When you can look at your spouse and say I love you just the way you are, flaws and all, that gives an inner peace that is immeasurable.
Letting your actions say, “I wouldn’t change you. I just want to love you the way you are. I want to protect you. I want to be there for you.” Everyone has some form of insecurities about themselves. When you share those insecurities with your spouse and they love you anyway that makes you feel open and receptive to them. Being able to be yourself in the presence of the person that you are in a relationship with speaks volumes.
Knowing that you are in the right relationship with the right person, and you don’t have to put on a false persona to try to impress them. This allows each of you to give and receive more in the relationship because you are allowing each other to be their true selves.
Lack of Intimacy in Marriage
Often times our intimacy issues come from a lack of communication. Usually, no communication, or unhealthy communication leads to, no intimacy of any kind. Not only are you not communicating verbally, but you have destroyed or broken the lines of communication physically and emotionally.
If you and your mate are unable to connect emotionally, this will sometimes cause us to lash out by being short tempered, selfish, isolated, unforgiving, more independent, and not very understanding. All these byproducts can cause intimacy issues.
Another area that affects intimacy is the lack of praise and appreciation. Being overly judgmental and criticizing every little thing that the person does or doesn’t do. This will begin to affect the psyche and make your mate pull away. There must be a level of equal appreciation and respect for each other. Pay attention and learn to recognize the signs when things are beginning to cause disconnect.
Outside stresses can also play a huge role in intimacy issues as well. Instead of taking out your frustrations on your mate, learn to conquer them together.
This takes practice and a deliberate decision to work together. Watch when you are upset with the children or other outside forces and if that causes you to constantly lash out at each other.
Recognizing how you deal with stress and how you will deal with stress going forward keeps the intimate connection between the two of you strong. Knowing that whatever you are going through you have someone there to share the burden and help you get through it.
Rebuilding Intimacy in Marriage
If this is the person that truly makes you happy then you owe it to yourself and to your relationship to sit down, talk about it, and work it out together not against each other. And above all remember to Love, Appreciate, and Respect each other, which are key elements to help improve your relationship.